‘Suitcase full of wine’ wins award for most unexpected item in bagging area

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Downing Street revellers’ suitcase full of wine has won the Co-Op award for the most unexpected item in the bagging area.

It’s January which can only mean one thing – it’s time for the prestigious Co-Op checkout awards.

“As ever, the most hotly contested category is the most unexpected item in the bagging area,” said Master of Ceremonies Simon Williams.

“The nominees are as follows:

“A carrier bag full of fully functional and adequately priced PPE – Department of Health.

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“A suitcase full of wine – Downing Street pissheads.

“A casserole dish full of comprehensive paperwork for the transparent, competitive tender of a lucrative government contract – Government procurement team.

“An empty tin of Heinz tomato soup filled with a letter of forgiveness – Matt Hancock’s wife.

“A tub of Quality Street filled with an optician’s prescription for a drive to Barnard Castle – Dominic Cummings.

“An ottoman filled with detailed facts about how the BBC operates – Nadine Dorries.

“A tube of Smarties filled with promising future career prospects – Gavin Williamson.

“And the winner is… a suitcase full of wine!

“I bet there’ll be some party in Downing Street tonight as they all celebrate!

“To be fair, that was always going to be the winner. The only things that could be genuinely more unexpected would have been a shoebox full of Boris Johnson’s integrity or a goldfish bowl full of Prince Andrew’s innocence.”