Queen torn between accepting government’s apology and just having the lot of them beheaded

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After the government announced it has apologised to the Palace for two parties held at Downing Street during lockdown, the Queen is said to be undecided on her response.

Palace insiders said the Queen is considering accepting the apology – because it’s her job to do so regardless of what the elected government does or says – but on the other hand, she insists it’s been far too long since a bunch of people were sent to the tower and relieved of their heads.

Simon Williams, valet at the Palace told us, “As apologies go, it was a pretty half-hearted attempt.  We honestly couldn’t tell if they were sorry for having multiple parties during a period of national mourning and while the nation was locked down, or if they were just sorry they got caught.

“Her majesty was all for lopping off their heads herself before she was reminded she has staff for that sort of thing, and that it has been a few hundred years since a monarch has taken such action against those that offended them.

“Every time we think she’s calmed down a bit she remembers she had to sit on her own at her husband’s funeral while they went shopping for suitcases full of booze for their secret parties, and then she starts demanding to know where the guillotines are kept.

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“Right now, I think it’s fifty-fifty which way she’ll go. If I were Boris, I’d certainly think about leaving the country – but make sure it’s not another commonwealth country, Her Majesty has friends everywhere.”

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