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Notorious party animal Charlie Sheen has admitted that he was briefly a member of the Tory Party for six months in 2020 but quit because he found the hedonistic party lifestyle ‘too hardcore’.
Speaking from inside the barrel of cocaine he was sharing with two supermodels, Mr Sheen explains just how extreme the Tories were.
“Man, those guys were hardcore. Too hardcore for me,” he said.
“I moved to London just before the pandemic hit, and straight away joined the Tory Party because, you know, that was the only place you could really hang out and party during the lockdown.”
Mr Sheen went on to explain what a typical day in Conservative Central Office was like.
“There was Liz Truss always drunk and dancing to her 80s remix CDs. Michael Gove would be face down in a plate of cocaine. Rishi Sunak would be doing shots out of some woman’s breasts.
“Matt Hancock and Dominic Raab were always stripped to the waist in the garden, going crazy to metal and smashing cans of special brew.
“Boris was always slumped in a corner somewhere with vomit all down his suit. That man couldn’t take his liquor.
“All the while, Priti Patel surveyed the scene laughing and occasionally being fed a grape by a young boy.
“I hung out there for a few weeks, but then I quit. Those guys were crazy, man. Crazy.”
Mr Sheen then issued a warning to impressionable young children.
“Stay away from the Tories, kids. Those guys will mess you up.”
