Prince Andrew to lose all titles except possibly “nonce”

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Prince Andrew is to lose all his patronages and military titles.

The Pizza Express loyalty card holder and sometimes member of the royal family is having an absolute mare of a new year, after a judge decided it was okay to have a look at his alleged noncing after all.

But now the Prince – henceforth known as Handy Andy – will lose all of his royal titles.

“Except nonce, possibly,” suggested NewsThump’s Royal Correspondent, Simon Williams, who knows NOTHING about ANYTHING and just guesses things while repeating other things from history books, just like every other Royal Correspondent ever.

“I don’t know how I will address Prince Andrew from now on, hopefully not as ‘nonce’ as that seems quite mean, even IF it turns out to be accurate, and I cannot stress the word “if” enough, and I’d also like to throw in an ‘allegedly’ for good measure.

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“Once again, I, and by extension NewsThump, cannot stress enough how much all of this is alleged, that this is a joke, that I do not even exist, and the new title of ‘nonce’ is only a possibility, not something we are claiming as fact,” (thanks, the lawyer has stopped shouting now – Ed).

Royal Family fan, Hayley Rice, said, “Andrew was never one of my faves anyway.

“He’s not sexy like William used to be, or funny like Princess Anne.

“When I found out he liked pizza, that was the nicest thing about him, but the things he said immediately afterwards put me off him all over again.

“Still love pizza though.”