Thursday 13 January 2022 by Chris Ballard

Prince Andrew expelled from Pizza Express Club


Pizza Express Prince Andrew

The Duke of York has been banished from the prestigious Pizza Express Club for not following its strict rules of membership.

Just when Prince Andrew thought that things couldn’t get any worse, he’s now been stripped of his Pizza Express loyalty card and periodic free dough balls.

Pizza Express CEO Simon Williams explained the decision.

“He violated the first rule of Pizza Express Club – ‘don’t talk about Pizza Express Club’ – over two years ago when he told the world about his little visit to our Woking branch.

“If he wasn’t such a regular, high-spending customer, we’d have kicked him out there and then.

“Regrettably, we turned a blind eye and he’s now broken the second rule of Pizza Express Club – ‘don’t be a hideous nonce who fucks underage victims of sex trafficking’.

“Everyone laughed at me all those years ago when I drew up the rules of Pizza Express Club. ‘Why does what is essentially a fast food joint with ideas above its station need a weirdly specific rule about being a nonce?’ they asked.

“Well. Now they know. Vindication.”

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said, “He can cope with being stripped of his military titles and use of HRH, but having his Pizza Express Club points zeroed out when he was only seven three-course meals away from a free slice of garlic bread?

“Let’s just say he’s had his belt and tie confiscated.”

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