Thursday 13 January 2022

Ministers relieved nobody noticed High Court ruled they unlawfully gave £300m PPE contracts to their mates


Boris thumbs up

After a busy day in current affairs yesterday, the Conservative government has breathed a huge sigh of relief that nobody seems to have noticed that the High Court deemed ‘unlawful’ their use of a VIP lane to fast track PPE contracts to their friends.

With the media and voters alike focussing on Boris Johnson admitting he attended an illegal party in his back garden, and US courts insisting Prince Andrew must face civil charges in court, many voters have been left completely unaware that the High Court ruled yesterday that the government acted unlawfully in handing out hundreds of millions of pounds to their mates in the form of PPE contracts.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “Wait, are you saying the government was wrong to set up a VIP Lane to hand out PPE contracts which circumvented normal procurement processes, before using that VIP Lane to give millions of pounds to their friends?  Colour me shocked!

“Honestly, I had no idea. I do find it very difficult to keep track of all the illegal things the Tories keep doing. Barely a week goes by without a revelation that one of them has resigned in disgrace, or broken some rule or other.  But two in one day? That’s a bit much, isn’t it?

“Would it be too much to ask for the Tories to give us a week, or maybe even two, where they don’t do anything unlawful or break any rules, just so we can catch our breath and take in all of the other stuff they’ve been caught doing recently?

“Oh, it would be too much to ask. Okay, never mind.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug here!

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