It wasn’t a party because we didn’t burn £50 notes in front of a homeless person

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Boris Johnson has been quick to stress that a gathering that took place during the first lockdown wasn’t a ‘party’, as it didn’t comprise of activities that Tories typically associate with a jolly old time.

A leaked email has suggested that Downing Street held a ‘Bring Your Own Booze’ party during the height of the first lockdown for up to 100 members of staff, at a time when people across the country were prevented from attending funerals, visiting sick relatives or even leaving the house more than once during the day, leading to fury from those who actually followed the rules Downing Street themselves had set out.

Speaking to press this morning, the Prime Minister explained, “This was nothing more than a work meeting for Downing Street staff, and the instruction to ‘bring your own booze’ was clearly an ironic one, and would have been read by staff in the manner intended, namely that they were to bring their own tap water or soft drinks. The Conservative government, as you know, is all about saving money.”

He went on, “If you had been there, you would have seen that the party – ahem, work gathering, I mean – lacked all aspects of what you’d associate with Tories having a good time.

“There were no strippers crying in the corner of the room after Matt Hancock got a bit handsy, Priti Patel certainly didn’t play Pin The Harpoon On The Dinghy, and we didn’t end the evening drunkenly rolling around the streets of London in tuxedos, burning fifty quid notes in front of the homeless.”

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He concluded, “Of course, the person who sent that email will be giving a tearful apology and resigning live on TV within a few hours – someone has to take the blame, even though nothing bad happened – and then the whole thing will blow over like everything else does, I expect.”

It is understood that the civil servant in charge of investigating parties that took place in Downing Street during the lockdown is now shifting their focus onto finding dates on which parties did not take place instead.

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