Boris Johnson really hoping the Queen dies right about now

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Her Majesty the Queen popping her clogs later this afternoon would be pretty much the ideal thing to happen, Boris Johnson has decided.

As he faces calls to resign from inside and outside his own party, the Prime Minister realises he’s going to need something pretty big to distract from this one –  and Elizabeth II hopping her perch might just about do it.

“A jolly big distraction for a few weeks would be just the ticket,” he told Number Ten insiders.

“Does anyone know her doctor? Or maybe her cook, in case she’s eating some particularly bony fish for lunch.

“Cripes. Maybe I could pop round to Buck House for an audience and leave a roller skate on the stairs. Then the headlines would shift licketty-split and I’d be in the clear again.

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“You know what I need to take my mind off this? A big old piss-up.”