Tuesday 11 January 2022 by Arabin Patson

Glastonbury 2022 to go ahead after organisers put a fax machine in Block9


Glastonbury to go ahead

Glastonbury, the world-famous music festival and key marker of the British summer, is finally back on the calendar as organisers will call it a ‘workplace’ and hire staff to walk around telling punters that management is really concerned about last week’s numbers.

Simon Williams, music critic for the Guardian, said the recently discovered loophole meant that the festival would welcome music lovers as long as they occasionally mumble something about needing to have a word with HR about flexitime.

“It turns out that you can assemble any number of people to go mental and have a great time, but you have to send an email beforehand and make everybody put on those stupid lanyards that wankers keep wearing when they’re out to lunch.

“I just wish I’d known about it earlier. My father passed away last summer and I now realise he could have hugged his grandchildren if I’d only decided to just do what I want and make up some pathetic and barely credible excuse about it being a business meeting if ever someone found out.

“But at least I’m not alone in this, and I’m sure the thousands of people who endured painful loneliness and separation during lockdown will think that COVID rule twisters are hilarious scallywags.”

Glastonbury 2022 will see some new features to be able to use the new exemption. All visitors will have to have a Linkedin profile and electronic barriers to the camping grounds can only be unlocked by a ridiculously long password that will be given out on post-it notes by surly IT specialists.

Additionally, the Pyramid Stage will be declared a hot-desking area and Billy Bragg will periodically tell the crowd that the office newsletter is their newsletter and please get in touch with Lakshmi if you want to get involved.

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