I’ll turn down my knighthood if millions march in protest against it, promises Tony Blair with a wink

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Tony Blair has promised to take the views of the public into account before making a big decision, as he always has done.

The ex-Labour leader was named this week in the New Years Honours list to receive a knighthood, prompting over six hundred thousand people to immediately sign a petition for it to be withdrawn from him.

Speaking to press outside his London mansion, the shameless planet vandal explained, “When I was Prime Minister, my primary aim was to listen to the views of the people and take them into account when making big decisions.

“I was their Prime Minister, and I would never take any action against the will of the public, in the same way that I’d never take steps against the will of the UN.”

He continued, “It seems today that a small number of people are unhappy that I shall soon be knighted by Her Majesty, and whilst I am baffled by this, I will decline the knighthood if enough people – say, a million, for example – march in the streets. How could one ignore such a message?

“If there had been a massive protest in which over a million marched in the street to oppose – just to pick a hypothetical example – the Iraq War, on a hypothetical date – let’s say the 15th of February 2003 – then, of course, I would never have got involved.

“But my diaries from the time show that I could see or hear no protests, as on that date I had crammed my head painfully far up inside George W Bush’s rectum.”

Palace spokesperson Simon Williams defended the former Labour Leader’s knighthood, saying, “For centuries, we have made knights of those brave leaders who have waged holy wars in the Middle East – why should the Royal Family break with tradition?”