Tuesday 4 January 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Person discovered in Britain who doesn’t actually have Covid


man with his thumbs up

A person has been discovered in the country who, staggeringly, doesn’t yet have Covid.

The man, Simon Williams, lives in Chelmsford and is thought to be the only person in the country who currently doesn’t have coronavirus.

“No, don’t have Covid. Did a test earlier this morning and it came up negative,” confirmed Mr Williams.

The finding has shocked scientists.

“I’m frankly staggered that there’s still someone in the country who hasn’t contracted Covid,” explained Professor Eleanor Gay.

“I mean, literally everyone else has got it. Of course they have, a month ago an extremely transmissible new variant emerged and our Government responded by mumbling something about opening the windows and then buggering off for Christmas for a few weeks. Naturally, everyone now has Covid, so quite how Mr Williams has avoided catching it is beyond me.”

Boris Johnson, Prime Minister for at least the next 20 minutes, has claimed that having one person in the country who has avoided getting Covid is proof that his measures have worked.

“You see, Mr Williams, is proof positive that we’re on the right track and our plans are working,” he said.

“I’m confident that, as I said from the start, we’ll have this thing licked in three weeks.”

Mr Williams revealed his secret for avoiding catching the disease.

“Well, I look carefully at every piece of advice the Government gives regarding coronavirus, and then I do the exact opposite.”

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