Friday 31 December 2021 by Mark Molloy

Government to tackle rising cases of Omicron by running out of testing kits


Boris Johnson testing numbers

The government is to tackle rising cases of Omicron in the UK, by running out of testing kits to enable them to be recorded.

With record numbers of people being infected over the Christmas period, positive recorded cases are now set to fall drastically due to a new government strategy, or not being able to test people.

A spokesperson for the government confirmed, “Cases are already falling, so that is brilliant. We should have thought of this sooner.

“Obviously there is concern about drastically rising cases of the new Omicron variant, and the number of positive cases being reported.

“So we have decided to tackle the problem by not letting people get tested because we don’t have enough kits available.

“It’s a no-brainer really, if people don’t test themselves, they won’t test positive, and then the numbers go right down, so everything can stay open and everyone can go into work.

“If we also continue to reduce the isolation period if you do test positive – to about five hours or something – everyone can just crack on.

“What a great way to end the year, by totally eradicating Covid.

“We would therefore urge people to go out in their millions at New Year and do what the fuck they like because nobody is testing positive.

“You. Are. Welcome.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the mug here!

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