The England cricket team has applied for political asylum in Canberra, claiming they face severe mental and physical abuse if they return to their home country.
Lawyers representing the team have claimed that the abuse they will face if returned home cannot be expressed in the English Language, largely because that’s not what fans on Twitter actually speak.
The Australian government is reported to be taking the application extremely seriously after spending about five minutes reading their fellow countrymen’s comments on Twitter.
“Strewth, the abuse,” a clearly shaken Australian spokesman told us, “some of it is frankly indescribable.”
“To be honest some of it is incomprehensible, as well. What the does “Mad fuckin radge at the shower of melts what mugged us off I’d podshot the lot of em” even mean?” He asked.
“Whatever it is, it sounds pretty serious to us.”
Members of the team fear serious reprisals from fellow Englishmen and are reported to be hiding out in the dressing room under an armed guard.
Meanwhile, migrants at Nauru are reported to have formed a cricket team and are currently challenging all comers in the hope it’ll boost their chances.