The nation’s weary residents are once again preparing for a Christmas lockdown after prime minister Boris Johnson categorically ruled it out.
After Johnson told reporters that there would not be a lockdown in England before Christmas, people across the country sighed in unison, “Great, another lockdown, that’s just what we need.”
Voter Simon Williams told us, “I’ll be honest, I was beginning to think lockdowns were a thing of the past – and then Boris had to go and say we definitely won’t be having another one. Thanks for nothing Boris.
“This government’s track record as far as political honesty goes is far from stellar, and if they had just stayed silent on the matter I could have believed it was never going to happen – but not now that they have so publicly ruled it out.
“If there is one thing you can rely on from today’s government, it’s that if they make a promise, they will definitely break it – so I guess we just get planning for Christmas while locked down in our own houses, right?”
Government junior health minister Derek Walden-Smythe told us, “When we say there are no plans for a Christmas lockdown, we want you to take our word for it, not go looking at all the other things we gave our word on, like manifesto pledges on National Insurance or the £350m a week for the NHS. Would it really be so hard to believe we’re telling the truth this time?
“Oh, it would? Right.”
Meanwhile, some bookmakers have begun paying out on any bets predicting a Christmas lockdown, insisting “It’s now as close to a sure thing as it’s possible to get.”