Michael Gove to investigate Tory Christmas parties as nobody attended his

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Michael Gove is the only person in the Conservative party who can investigate what happened at various Christmas parties in 2020 as nobody attended his, and he was, therefore, the only person to adhere to restrictions at the time.

The haunted ventriloquist dummy did in fact throw a party, but everyone was busy, including Iain Duncan Smith, who was washing his hair that night.

“So he gets to investigate the rest of us,” shrugged Simon Williams, Downing Street spokesperson.

“Nobody else can do it because we were all AT those parties and breaking various rules, you know, while the rest of you sat at home doing nothing.

“Nobody showed up to Gove’s, meaning he was alone, so he is – for the first time ever – the only one of us with any credibility here. That’s an ASTONISHING thing to have just left my mouth. But that’s 2021 for you.”

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Michael Gove chuckled, “Well, well, well. Who’s the party king NOW, dickheads?

“I will of course lead a fair and unbiased enquiry, starting with those who had the flimsier excuses for not attending my wine and cheese night.

“You’ll WISH you were ‘attending to matters crucial to my constituents’, sunshine”.