Monday 20 December 2021 by Pete Redfern

Liz Truss trades Scotland for some Bavarian ham on her first day as lead negotiator with EU


Liz Truss

Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has thrown herself into her new role as lead negotiator with the EU with the enthusiasm and resultant disaster that we’ve come to expect from her.

Following the resignation of Lord Frost, who presumably couldn’t face the thought of witnessing the consequences of the deal that he himself had negotiated, Liz Truss promptly managed to fail upwards. Again.

“Being lead negotiator is going to be super cool fun!” she beamed to press outside her house this morning.

“After getting the number from 118 118, I spoke to the German embassy first thing this morning and asked them if they’d be interested in any pork markets.

“They told me no, and in fact how would we like to have some of their ham, which I thought was absolutely splendid.”

She explained, “When they offered me twenty kilos of fine Bavarian ham, I pondered what we could offer them in return, and then it came to me – Scotland!”

Beaming, she wittered on, “You see, I told you that I was the trade deal Queen, and now I proved it. No one goes to Scotland, and I’m pretty sure no one even lives there – I don’t even know where it is – so as far as I’m concerned the EU can have it.

“And in return, we get some lovely ham! Assuming it doesn’t expire while waiting for customs checks, of course.”

Asked what steps she will take with regards to the Northern Ireland protocol she replied, “Oh, I expect these little things will just iron themselves out without too much fuss, just as they always do.”

Political commentator Simon Williams told us, “Liz Truss actually campaigned for Remain in the run-up to the 2016 referendum, so returning Scotland to the EU is consistent with her pro-EU views.

“Hopefully she’ll return the rest of the UK to the EU in return for some champagne or something – there’s certainly always appetite in the Downing Sreet gardens for cheese and wine.”

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