The government is to introduce mandatory remedial maths lessons for anyone arguing against the efficacy of Covid vaccines with the line “most Covid patients in hospital are vaccinated”.
In one of the most damning indictments of the nation’s school system to date, an increasing number of gullible morons are insisting that the covid vaccines don’t work because most of the people in hospital with Covid are actually vaccinated.
Government spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “We don’t like implementing mandates as a rule, and there is understandably a lot of reluctance in the party about creating a better-informed electorate, but these people simply have to be taught how to do basic arithmetic.
“The fact that so many of them seem to genuinely believe that most hospitalised Covid patients being vaccinated means the vaccine “doesn’t work” is an object lesson on how easy it is to manipulate simpletons.
“And though we normally very pro manipulation of morons, we have to do something to stop the hospitals filling up again.”
Teacher Simon Williams, who will be conducting one of the mandatory classes, told us, “The remedial classes will focus on people’s ability to compare numbers as a proportion of a bigger number. The stuff most 13-year-olds are taught at school. Fractions, percentages and so on. Just the basics really. Is 1/3 bigger or smaller than 3/12 – that sort of thing. We’ll work up to understanding Covid statistics once they’ve mastered the simple stuff.
“Ultimately our goal is to give them an understanding of the importance of the relationship between a numerator and a denominator. If we can get them to stop looking at numerators without considering denominators, then we’ll have succeeded.
“The first exam is a really simple one. Students will be asked to pick a fictional lottery ticket from either roll #1, or roll #2. They are told that roll #1 has TEN winning tickets in a roll of 100. Roll #2 has ONE HUNDRED winning tickets in a roll of 10,000.
“Anyone who says ‘I pick roll #2 because it’s clearly got the biggest number of winning tickets and I have a better chance of winning’ will have to go back to the start and do the basics again.
“We are hoping that by the end of the course, they will be able to understand that because over 90% of the population is vaccinated, and vaccine efficacy is in the 70-80% range, it is highly likely that most people in hospital with Covid will be vaccinated.
“Then we’ll illustrate vaccine efficacy by comparing vaccinated and unvaccinated hospitalisation using the same denominator – per 100,000 of the population – which shows the unvaccinated are about four times as likely to end up in the hospital, and about six times as likely to die.
“It can be hard for the students; the idea that a small part of a big number can be bigger than a big part of a small number – it’s tricky if your brain isn’t good with maths. It’s our job to try and help these people.
“However, if after attending the classes they still don’t get it, then we’ll have to go back to our primary school level materials and start by explaining how sometimes things aren’t actually very big, they’re just much closer. Baby steps and all that.”