Government determined to continue treading fine line between taking responsibility and making everything your fault

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The government has announced it will not take responsibility for asking you to avoid social gatherings this Christmas, ensuring that any rise in Covid cases and hospitalisation can be blamed on you making the wrong decisions.

Despite being asked several times during his latest briefing if the government would be looking to increase restrictions on socialising following record case numbers, the prime minister has so far preferred to defer to the common sense of a nation that voted for Mrs Brown’s Boys as the comedy of the decade.

Boris Johnson told reporters, “There is a fine line to tread here, on one side we could tell you not to do things, like last Christmas, closing hospitality venues and then having to pay them lots of money for doing so, but on the other side we don’t have to spend anything and we can blame you for making poor choices if it all goes tits up.

“It is a fine line, but we are determined to say on the right side of it. If this all goes tits up in the New Year, it is absolutely imperative that we can look back and point to all the bad decisions you made.

“And you’re making them already, aren’t you? Yes, we said you could go to your Christmas party, but we also said you should think hard if it’s necessary to go.

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“If you go and have a great time and infections stay manageable, then we look great for giving you the freedoms you deserve, but if you go and infections rise and you get involved in a super-spreader event, then clearly you made a terrible error of judgement which won’t affect us looking great for giving you the freedoms you deserve.

“It’s precisely the political win-win miracle I asked of Santa.”

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