Thursday 16 December 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Boris Johnson claims every man, woman, child, cat, and dog will be boosted before Eastenders tonight


Boris booster rollout

An increasingly unhinged Boris Johnson has just held another press conference in which he claimed every man, woman, and child, and all their pets will be boosted before Eastenders starts tonight.

Mr Johnson stood in front of a Samantha Fox poster and was flanked by a life-size cardboard standee of Doogie Howser MD and a nice dog.

The press conference began with Mr Johnson repeating the word ‘booster’ for a minute before making his new pledge.

“Everyone will be boosted. Everyone. The whole country. Man, woman, child, dogs, cats, even little hamsters and terrapins. Everyone will be boosted and will be boosted soon. We’re boosting the boosting of the boosting of the boosting of the booster programme and everyone will be boosted tonight, before Eastenders.”

He went on to explain how he plans to achieve his ambitious goal.

“Everyone is to become a volunteer vaccinator. They can watch a ‘how to do a vaccine video’ this morning, and then jab themselves by lunchtime. Then everyone stands outside for twenty minutes, and if you notice your neighbour fall over then you just call an ambulance.

“Everyone will then be boosted before Eastenders starts, possibly even in time for The One Show, and you can all get back to work where you belong.”

He concluded the press conference by repeating the word ‘booster’ again for several minutes and then throwing up into a bin.

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