Covid pass must be shown to enter nightclubs, sports matches, and some Tory Christmas parties

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All adults in England must now show a Covid pass to enter large events such as concerts, nightclubs, and some Tory Christmas parties.

The rules came into effect this morning despite a sizeable rebellion from Tory ministers who were concerned that they might miss out on some of the many Tory Christmas parties planned this year.

“I don’t agree with these new measures, no,” explained Sir Jeremy Fuckhead, MP for Upper Bellend in Hampshire.

“We’ve got a cracking do planned on Friday, with strippers, coke, and some wine and cheese. It’s in Dominic Raab’s department and they don’t really do anything all year except plan this party. I don’t want to have to be turned away because I can’t get a signal on my bloody phone.”

It is understood that Prime Minister and twice winner of Tramp Monthly’s Best-Dressed Man, Boris Johnson, spent yesterday trying to persuade ministers to vote for the plans by reminding them that some of the smaller Tory Christmas Parties will not be subject to the pass.

“I’m not going to Priti fucking Patel’s party!” exploded Sir Jeremy.

“Four terrified Junior Ministers all trying not to get themselves deported? Made that mistake last year. She had a black Christmas tree mounted upside-down. No, balls to that, I want to go the good parties, and now I’ll have to show this damn pass thing to do so.”

There had been concern that there might be an outright ban on larger events featuring live bands, celebrity DJs, and a programme of after-dinner ‘blue’ comedy.

Happily, such a ban didn’t transpire which means that the annual Number 10 Christmas ‘quiz’ can go ahead as normal.