Downing Street officials have this morning scoured the Internet for a much bigger dead cat, as the normal sized ones don’t appear to be doing their job.
The move comes as criticism of Boris Johnson’s Downing Street parties in 2020 shows no signs of abating, despite repeated attempts to distract people by throwing a deceased feline onto the table.
CCHQ strategist Simon Williams told us, “Do you know how hard it is to find a giant-sized dead cat on the Internet?
“I’m sick and tired of people saying they’ve got normal-sized dead cats we can have – but if I wanted one of those I’d have said, wouldn’t I?
“Look, we’ve tried normal-sized dead cats, and they’re simply not big enough for this type of epic fuck up. We’ve tried dead cats with ‘Omicron’ round their necks, dead cats with ‘Plan B’ around their necks, heck, we’ve even tried dead cats with ‘race between virus and vaccine’ around its neck – none of it is working.
“People still want to talk about us ignoring our own lockdown rules last Christmas so we could enjoy a few parties while the rest of you stayed locked-up at home, or worse, prevented from seeing dying relatives.
“So, if you happen to be in possession of a dead cat the size of a double-decker bus, then I’d really like to hear from you. If we don’t find one soon, then there is a very real possibility we will have to face the consequences of our actions, and that is frankly unthinkable.”