Thursday 9 December 2021 by Arabin Patson

Flustered Emperor Palpatine says he is “satisfied that no destruction of Alderaan took place”


emperor palpatine

An attempt to quell galactic furore, over the alleged super laser attack on Alderaan, fell flat yesterday as critics pointed out the evidence was pretty damning and questioned why, if nothing had happened, did a tearful Grand Moff Tarkin need to resign over the matter?

Simonabacca, a rebel senator from Kashyyyk, said that the Emperor’s statements were unconvincing and also highlighted his previous ambivalence on the matter.

“Once again, this Emperor is taking the ordinary sentients of the galaxy for fools. Are we seriously supposed to believe that the massive debris field and the disappearance of Alderaan are a coincidence? And this after Jedi sources confirmed they felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

“It’s obvious the Empire was trying to cover this up and only admitted it might have happened after the holocron appeared of Moff Tarkin joking with his stormtroopers about fireworks and seeing an Organa princess float by.

“Once again, it’s one rule for us and another for the Sith. And seriously, getting Darth Vader to investigate? Yet more Coruscant corruption!”

A visibly shaken Grand Moff Tarkin resigned publicly this morning and choked back the tears as he apologised to the galaxy for his comments, leading many to claim he was thrown under an AT-AT.

However, although Emperor Palpatine’s reputation suffered from the scandal, the Rebel Alliance has failed to capitalise on the anger.

Many Outer Rim sentients still say they would support Palpatine over Mon Mothma as they are unsure what the latter stands for and still trust the Emperor to do something about “all those bloody Jawas coming over here and taking our blue milk.”

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