Thursday 9 December 2021

Boris Johnson announces arrival of fifth, sixth, seventh or maybe even eighth child


Boris with his hands up

Downing Street has announced that Boris Johnson and his current wife Carrie Symonds have had a healthy baby girl, leaving it up to your imagination how many brothers and sisters the child now has.

A spokesperson for the couple said the prime minister and Symonds were “delighted” to welcome the new arrival, but remained tight-lipped about how many older half-siblings it will have.

A Downing Street insider told us, “Boris and Carrie are absolutely delighted, though if we’re being honest, Boris is a little unhappy about being in such a high-profile job, because it means he can’t pretend this isn’t happening.

“Obviously he had to marry Carrie after the first one they had together; he didn’t have a great deal of choice in the matter, given that the Conservatives position themselves as the party of family values.

“Yes, I recognise that’s a little ironic given we have no idea how many children Boris has, but is that really all that important?

“You’re all going to know quite a bit about this one, and that’s what really matters.”

Meanwhile, members of the party have been quick to offer their congratulations to Boris and Carrie.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said, “I wish them all the best, and I know a good nanny if they’re interested. At fifty-two years old, I’m almost ready to let go of her.”

However, political experts have said that the new arrival will merely spread the prime minister even thinner on an already packed Father’s Day.

As one explained, “It’s another child to spend a sliver of time with, though given the fact this one is public, I guess this will be considered one of the ‘important’ ones.”

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