Don’t ask us about the rules – we’re just strippers, insist Downing Street policemen

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The police officers posted to Number 10 last December have explained why they aren’t in a position to investigate any potential breaches of lockdown rules.

Many people have asked why the police who always stand outside Number 10 haven’t stepped forward to shed light on the Downing Street Christmas party issue.

Well, it’s because they’re actually strippers which Boris hires to spice up the boring world of politics.

“People keep asking me if the prime minister and his Downing Street staff broke the law,” said stripogram Simon Williams.

“I have absolutely no idea! I was only hired to take all my clothes off the moment Boris cued up ‘You Sexy Thing’.

“There were plenty of games that night – most of them involving handcuffs and whipped cream.

“Come to think of it, that was the gig I got paid extra because the client wanted to do that horrible thing with my truncheon.

“Yes, there was loads of cheese. I mean, it’s part of my job – unofficially, of course!

“Oh, you mean cheese as in ‘cheese and wine’? I’m afraid I haven’t the faintest idea – I didn’t see the dining room as I was ushered straight down to the Number 10 dungeon.

“Was there two-metre social distancing? Nah, but a good twelve inches – I’m a professional not a freak!

“I can confirm there was a secret Santa though, because she worked for the same agency I did.”

The Prime Minister said, “I’m satisfied that no Downing Street police officers removed their clothes and that I definitely didn’t stick anything up their bottoms while singing Rule Britannia.”