Wednesday 8 December 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Boris Johnson announces Plan B for the public and Cardi B for the Number 10 Christmas party


Boris Johnson on Plan B and Cardi B

Boris Johnson has announced a wealth of restrictions on the rest of us while also confirming the entertainment for this year’s Downing Street Christmas party.

The general public will have to return to working from home and wearing face masks in public, known as Plan B.

Meanwhile, attendees of this year’s Downing Street Christmas Party can expect live entertainment from global hip-hop star, Cardi B.

“Boris isn’t generally a fan of what he refers to as ‘the hips and the hops’, but he’s massively into Cardi B,” confirmed Downing Street spokesperson, Simon Williams, who will be fired in eleven months time when he cracks a joke about the party.

“He heard that WAP song of hers and was an immediate devotee, not to mention incredibly aroused.

“No sooner had the question ‘what do you want for the entertainment?’ left my lips before he was shouting “CARDI B CARDI B CARDI B” while thumping his fist on the table.

“It’s going to cost an arm and a leg, but it’s taxpayers’ money, otherwise known as ‘free’ around these parts.

“But yeah, the rest of you, keep your distance from each other, wear your masks, yada yada yada.

“We’ll be locking you down over Christmas anyway, but we’ll all be far too pissed while watching Cardi B to care.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug here!

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