The time-honoured tradition of photocopying one’s backside on the office copier could be the crucial evidence that proves an illegal gathering took place in Downing Street last December.
Police officer Gordon Bennett, after much initial reluctance on the part of his bosses and in particular Cressida Dick, is now in charge of leading the investigation into whether there was a party at Number 10 during tight lockdown regulations.
He told us, “Our first action was to seize and study the diaries and WhatsApp messages of officials and staff who work in Downing Street, but these had all mysteriously been lost or deleted.
“And then we suddenly remembered that photocopied posteriors are as much a part of the festive season as daytime drinking and arguing with relatives, so we headed straight down to the photocopier in Number Ten and found fifteen copies of what looks like someone’s backside down the side of it.”
He told us, “Not only does this prove that a party took place, but we have also used them to identify the culprit themselves.
“From the Union Jack boxers that had half been pulled down, we narrowed it down to either Boris Johnson or Mark Francois, but then we realised Mark Francois is too small to get on top of the copier in the first place, so it must be the Prime Minister’s arse.”
Studying it closer, he exclaimed, “And judging by the lipstick print on the left buttock, we can see that Laura Kuenssberg was also in attendance.”
A Downing Street official said, “Frankly, hundreds of photocopies of the Prime Minister’s arse prove nothing except business as usual at number 10.
“The photocopies of the Prime Minister’s arse were actually an early draft of the next letter he plans to send to Emmanuel Macron.”