Monday 6 December 2021 by Arabin Patson

Tory press officers preparing to explain that all official guidance on snorting cocaine was followed


parliamentary coke use

As the government seeks to sanction middle-class drug use, CCHQ has issued instructions on how to deal with the press when senior Tory cokeheads inevitably get caught doing blow but have no intention of losing their passports like some kind of pleb.

Tory Communications Director Simon Williams, explained that although his party was surprised Boris Johnson chose to target middle-class drug users in a party where it’s an unofficial membership requirement, his team was up to the challenge.

He explained, “Considering several cabinet members are notorious charlie fiends and that doing a line in a portaloo at the Henley Regatta is as much a Tory tradition as setting up a company in Guernsey for a buy-to-let portfolio, it did startle us for a second. But we’re confident that we can handle any incident by sending luminaries out like Dominic Raab or Liz Truss on GMB to stare into the distance with dead eyes and mumble about all the rules being followed.

“I know it seems like a weird strategy, but you’d be surprised at how many people are stunned into silence by balls-out denial that your blatantly illegal action was a crime.

“So when, and it is a ‘when’, a minister whose name rhymes with cycle drove gets filmed snorting a line of Bolivian off the display case in the Member’s bar during a crowded piss-up, we’ll just say it’s allowed because of parliamentary privilege or some such bollocks.”

Reports of past and present cocaine use have dogged the Johnson government with the PM himself having to deny he used drugs in his Bullingdon Club days and was giddy on nothing more than Bollinger when pissing on a homeless man or fucking a dead pig.

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