The government has instantly alleviated a growing crisis in the courts system by reducing the trial backlog to zero thanks to a new policy of not prosecuting crimes that happened in the past.
With thousands of criminal cases sometimes waiting years to be heard in front of a judge, the government has reduced the waiting list to zero in one fell swoop with their new guidelines.
Junior justice minister Simon Williams MP told us, “Yes, we are delighted to say that we have completely solved the courts system crisis. You are welcome Britain.
“To be perfectly honest, ignoring crimes that happened in the past was just a throwaway line in an attempt to deflect unwanted attention over the story of Boris’ illegal Christmas party, but when we looked closer at the statistics, do you know what we found? ALL crimes happened in the past. Every single one of them. I know, it shocked us too.
“So with one quick policy change, we cleared the trial backlog completely. No more expensive public defenders, no more wasteful trials, no more need for increasing legal aid budgets. We’ve saved millions that can now go into the pot for tax cuts.
“Did you know we had people waiting two years for a court appearance about a simple house burglary – how was that possible in this day and age? But thanks to our new policy we were able to write off such prosecutions immediately.
“I ask you, why should my constituent Derek Matthews be facing a trial next year over a house he burgled an entire year ago? It’s utterly ridiculous when you think about it.
“By reducing the statute of limitations for all crimes to a nanosecond, we have done this country a huge favour.”