A man who accidentally inserted an inert WWII shell into his rectum has today been identified as Tory backbencher and perpetual Blitzphile, Mark Francios.
Reports indicate Francois accidentally fell upon the shell while cleaning, and the MP has been quick to clarify that accidents do, indeed, happen.
Francoise told reporters gathered next to the cushion on which he was seated, “Anyone who knows me knows that I like to keep my collection of WWII memorabilia absolutely pristine.
“I like to give my shells an enthusiastic buffering at least once a week. And as anyone will tell you, enthusiastic buffering can lead to you getting very hot, so obviously I do most of my cleaning in the nude to avoid unnecessary laundry from all the sweaty clothes.
“Unfortunately, as I have now come to realise, human sweat can act as a really powerful lubricant if you accidentally slip and fall backwards onto a large phallic-shaped piece of world war II memorabilia.
“I am grateful to the staff for their care and professionalism, and for agreeing to return the shell once it has been, er, sterilised.”
Hospital officials refused to speak on the record about the patient concerned, though one porter did say she didn’t recognise Francois at first, well, not until he was forced to take off his bright rubber gas mask.
They added, “I think we can all agree this doesn’t even make the top three most embarrassing things he’s known for.”