All branches of Wetherspoons in Germany have precisely zero customers now that all ‘rational, sensible people’ are banned from going to their bars.
Germany has banned people who haven’t been vaccinated from drinking in public – a rule that’s particularly tough for Wetherspoons customers.
“This is the latest policy which targets intelligent, freedom-loving citizens who’ve actually made an effort to gather all the facts,” said Simon Williams, a man who until recently lived almost permanently underneath a table in the Hamburg Wetherspoons.
“I moved to Germany to escape the ludicrous British rules like early ‘closing times’. What did they expect people to do – go home to loving families?
“Then there was the whole ‘substantial meal’ debacle – if eight pints isn’t a substantial lunch then I don’t know what is.
“And now the German authorities are saying that I can only enjoy cheap, piss-tasting lager if get vaccinated like some kind of lab rat. It really is the last straw!
“The proper scientists know that exactly two years after your first jab, your tongue will grow to an incredible length, wiggle down your throat and burst out of your anus.
“Your eyeballs will then explode and your brain will turn into butterscotch Angel Delight.
“After all this happens you might even die!
“And yet the anti-science, media-controlled state is attempting to turn everyone into zombies with all the free will of a 1970s mousse-like sweet dessert.
“Well, I won’t comply! I’ll drink on the streets! I’ll drink on the beaches! I will never surrender!!”
A spokesman for the German government said, “Oh, Wetherspoons isn’t actually classified as a ‘pub’ because they don’t meet any of the basic criteria such as serving anything drinkable or edible.”