The five-second rule regarding the safe consumption of food that has fallen on the floor has been reduced to two seconds in light of the new variant tearing across the country.
Professor Simon Williams, who has spent fifteen years of his life studying the exact point at which food that has dropped on the floor becomes unsafe, told us, “When the first lockdown was introduced in March 2020 the ten-second rule was instantly halved.
“While we do not know exactly how long the Coronavirus can survive on pavements or roads, it was clear that we shouldn’t take any chances.”
He went on, “And now, with the Omicron variant doing the rounds, we believe it is safest to assume that if you drop some food on the floor, you only have two seconds to pick it up, blow on it to remove the germs of course, and then eat it.
“Any longer than two seconds on the floor and you run the risk of making yourself seriously unwell.”
Christopher James, a clumsy oaf who is forever dropping food on the floor, responded, “This is all very well, but what if your food can’t be picked up within two seconds?
“I dropped a whole bag of chips in the middle of the road the other day, and it took me at least three seconds to determine which ones hadn’t fallen in the dog shit that an owner had neglected to pick up, meaning the twelve chips I did manage to retrieve would now fall outside that two-second window.
“Surely if I can’t SEE any germs on it, it’s ok to eat?”
Absent-mindedly picking up a Haribo he spotted on the floor at his feet and popping it into his mouth he concluded, “It’s health and safety gone mad, innit.”