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Local conspiracy theorist Captain-Lord Simon ffortesque Williams III prevents the powers that rule this world from taking over his mind with a tinfoil top hat, he has revealed.
Captain-Lord Simon has an elaborate theory that Big Coal have conspired to keep the truth of a secret Lunar civilisation from humanity to prevent moon-uranium taking over the energy market, and is convinced they will do anything to stop him.
Referring to an enormous leather-bound tome with cogs on it filled with crabbed, spidery handwriting, he told us “The Secret Parliament beams messages into my mind using Tesla Coils, but I’m wise to their tricks.
“You know airships? Everyone thinks their gasbags are full of Hydrogen, or Helium, when in reality they’re filled with chemicals made by child labour in a grotesque, red-brick factory deep in an ancient forest that are pumped out to keep the population docile.
“And the vaccine against the recent outbreak of Venusian Flux contains tiny Babbage calculating-engines which are used to track your every move via 1g radiotelegraphy.”
ffortesque-Williams went on to accuse Ada Lovelace of stealing her best ideas from open-source punchcards, and suggested Francis Galton had the right idea about people.
“I’m not a conspiracy theorist,” he insisted. “I am a curator of alternative facts and librarian of creative academia.”
