A boiler is lulling its owner into a false sense of security by working perfectly during the current cold snap.
If Jeremy Beadle had been reincarnated as an inanimate object – and scientists agree that he probably has – then he is now a boiler.
Why? Because boilers are mischievous little bastards who love to play tricks on people.
“I love this time of year!” said boiler Simon Williams.
“The combination of cold weather and Christmas means it’s entirely possible to ruin your owners’ lives.
“When temperatures plummeted this week I thought, ‘Now’s the time – refuse to turn on!’
“But then I thought, no Simon – softly, softly, freeze the balls off a brass monkey. Play the long game.
“Let them think you’re in full working order. With all the expenses of Christmas looming, they’ll probably even defer your routine service until the New Year.
“Wait until, say, one week before Christmas when winter has properly kicked in. Ideally, their Christmas visitors will have arrived.
“Then strike! And by ‘strike’ I mean don’t do anything.
“Don’t heat the water.
“Don’t warm the radiators.
“Don’t turn on just because they tell you to. Resist! Do not comply!”
Electric fan heater Christopher James said, “I love this time of year – it’s my chance to shine!
“For ten long months I’m stuck in a bottom of a cupboard – then along comes December and I’m like Superman, swooping in to save the day!”
Electricity supply company Filament said, “Yeah, about that…”