Manchester United announce Baldrick as new permanent manager

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Baldrick has been announced the new Manchester United manager.

The diminutive Baldrick, who is better known for his wartime poetry than his footballing prowess, will take charge of the team in time for their blockbuster fixture against Chelsea this Sunday.

“We are delighted to have Baldrick on board,” insisted the club’s Executive Vice Chairman, Ed Woodward.

“The man is a master of cunning plans, not to mention, incidentally, an excellent chef. I understand he has already bonded with our captain, Harry Maguire, on a deeply intellectual level.

“We fully expect Baldrick will lead Manchester United to success – or at least to mediocrity. Which would be a step in the right direction.”

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Edmund Blackadder, a long-time associate of Baldrick, concluded, “I wouldn’t be too optimistic if I were you.

“I don’t want to say Baldrick knows nothing about football, but when I asked him what he thought of Ronaldo, he said he was one of his favourite McDonald’s mascots, second only to Hamburglar.

“Having said that, he’s possibly still a better option than Sam Allardyce.”

Baldrick commented, “I am delighted to take up this new position as manager of Manchester City.

“First things first, let’s get Phil Jones back in the starting line-up. He’s been away too long.

“Formation wise, we’ll be going with a 4-1-1. They’ll never see that coming.”