Tuesday 23 November 2021 by Mark Molloy

Government confirms Boris Johnson’s next speech to be written in really big Crayola Crayons


Crayons for Boris Johnson speech

Boris Johnson’s next speech is set to be written in really big coloured Crayola Crayons it has been revealed today in order for him to be able to follow it and understand what he’s saying.

With concern growing this week that the man responsible for the health and safety of millions of people in our country is now not even able to read words from some paper, senior government advisors have revealed today that they have rectified the issue immediately, by making the writing really colourful and large using a massive Crayola Crayons.

A spokesperson for the government revealed, “Boris loves Crayons, and you can write really big with them. It’s a win-win situation.

“He really struggled yesterday, bless him, because the words were all just typed up, and the page numbers were in the corner and he’s not that good at counting.

“So we’ve decided to make it a bit easier for him next time, by using some really large crayons, and writing the words really big with lots of colours to try to keep his attention and stop him from getting confused.

“We just hope he manages to get through the next one without having to ad-lib and start asking a load of business leaders in the North East if they’ve been to Peppa Pig World, just down the road.”

Asked if they think he is actually capable of leading a country we were told, “Yes, definitely, as long as he doesn’t have to speak, to anyone, ever.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug here!

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