Big Sam Allardyce seals himself in Christmas wrapping paper and lies waiting outside Old Trafford

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Sam Allardyce is giving himself to Manchester United this Christmas.

The disgraced former England manager heard of the sacking of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and immediately set about himself with festive wrapping paper and sellotape.

“‘I’m the Christmas miracle United fans have been waiting for,” lied Allardyce, his mouth poking out the top of the Christmas box and wrapping paper to allow him to breathe and eat from a Ginster’s pasty selection box he brought to keep him going.

“Well OK, maybe not, but ’tis the season to try one’s luck. It’s not like I’m going to be any worse than Solskjaer, is it?

“Hm? No, of COURSE I’m not naked under here. That would be mental. I’m wearing a full suit under all this nonsense.

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“Hope they bring me inside to unwrap me soon, it’s a bit nippy in Manchester this time of year.”

Old Trafford security guard, Simon Williams, said “Oh great, someone’s left a Sam Allardyce on our doorstep. I’m going to have to clear that up.

“I’d sooner a bag of burning turds, to be honest. You can pour water on that and throw it in the river without the police getting involved.”