Kyle Rittenhouse has been found not guilty and the sponsorship offers are already rolling in.
The teenager, found not guilty of homicide after shooting two protestors dead and wounding another, walked out of court a free man today.
“And fuck me, the OFFERS!” beamed Kyle’s agent, Chuck Williams.
“There’s the expected bookings at gun expos, the NRA sponsorship, the invite for lunch with President Trump.
“But today we are delighted to announce that Kyle will be the face of DropEm, the self-defence for bone dry eyes.
“When your eyes are crying out in protest, it’s time to DropEm!”
Hayley Rice, head of marketing at DropEm, said “We noticed Kyle’s eyes were bone dry throughout the trial, especially when he did that weird thing that looked a little bit like crying.
“We really want to appeal to the crossing-state-lines-with-an-illegal-weapon market. It’s a demographic we just haven’t been able to reach.
“Now we have Kyle, and we think he’s going to give things a real shot in the arm – figuratively, this time.”
Rittenhouse commented, “Yeah, I’m getting paid. Got a problem with that? You wanna be careful, you’re making me feel very…defensive…” while stroking a gun he brought from his home two states away.