Thursday 18 November 2021 by Chris Ballard

Being able to get to Wigan quickly totally makes up for all the other ways we’ve been fucked, agrees younger generation


young people happy with trains to Wigan

By 2040 the UK will have excellent rail links to Wigan, a benefit that young people are happy more than offsets having to live with their parents forever on an uninhabitable planet.

A rail improvement programme means that in just a couple of decades people will be able to travel to Wigan in mere hours.

“At the moment, what with sitting on delayed trains or queuing for petrol, it takes approximately three days to journey from London to Wigan,” said Transport Secretary Grant Shapps.

“But our new rail links will make the economic and cultural powerhouse of Wigan accessible to everyone.

“In short, it will make the UK a fantastic place to be young.

“For a start, there’s loads of affordable housing in Wigan because it’s such a shithole and demand is low.

“Job opportunities are plentiful – sex work in the Wigan Pier area or selling pies outside the DW Stadium, to name just two examples. There’s probably also a pub or something you might be able to work in.

“And as for climate change, well, Wigan is so depressing that you’ll be begging for the apocalypse to come after just a few short weeks of living there.

“Who said the younger generations were being shafted?”

Young person Simon Williams said, “Yeah, fair enough.

“I was hoping they’d improve transport links to Swansea so I could really make my dreams come true, but I guess Wigan’s the next best thing.”

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