Tuesday 16 November 2021 by Lucas Wilde

“No I don’t have any pigs in blankets” sighs frustrated drug dealer


drug dealer with pigs in blankets

Pigs in blankets are in high demand on the black market.

The double-porked snack, featuring a cylinder of pig meat wrapped in sliver of other pig meat, is a staple of the British Christmas dinner.

However, with UK abattoirs struggling for workers, there has been a distinct shortage of the festive treat, with many turning to the black market, where pigs in blankets can fetch upwards of fifteen pounds per bag.

“Look, I’ve got some lovely ketamine here,” offered drug dealer, Simon Williams.

“No? It HAS to be pigs in blankets? Alright, no, sorry, you’ll have to try somewhere else.”

“Fifth punter I’ve turned away today,” sighed Williams.

“I had a few PIBs earlier in the month and they went right away. Someone’s nan paid me seventy-five for five bags. It’s insane.

“Pre-Brexit, I’d do a roaring trade in hallucinogens and sedatives… I reckon people just wanted to escape from their relatives while still being technically present in the living room.

“None of that this year, everyone’s on the PIBs.”

Pigs in blankets fan, Hayley Rice, said “Hey mate… you got any of them PIBs? Just one more bag and I’m off them for good, next year I mean, go on, give us a bag, I’m good for it…”

Williams sighed, “for the last time, no, I’ve no PIBs, not even the Aldi bags. I’m cleared out, love. You’d have better odds asking the local vegan, know what I mean?”

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