Tuesday 16 November 2021 by Chris Ballard

COP26 progress already completely reversed by next door’s Christmas lights


Christmas lights

The small amount of progress the COP26 conference made towards minimising climate change has now been totally negated by your neighbour’s festive lights.

It was hoped that COP26 would lead to an international agreement to keep global warming to only 1.5 degrees Celsius.

Thanks to China and India’s insistence on continuing to use fossil fuels, the conference only reduced the increase to approximately 2 degrees.

However, thanks to your neighbour putting up enough Christmas lights to turn night into day, we’re instantly back to about 2.5 degrees.

“Yeah, we’ve come straight back to a doomsday scenario,” said Professor Simon Williams.

“It’s gonna be a greenhouse apocalypse on such a scale that no amount of killer tomato movies could prepare you for it.

“That luminous Santa on next door’s roof is essentially a harbinger of death – his ‘Ho Ho Ho’ becoming a scream of pain as the world ignites.

“Ironically, your neighbours say they ‘do it for the children’, wilfully ignoring the fact that it’s their children and grandchildren who’ll pay the ultimate price.

“There’s something about Christmas that makes people magically forget about carbon footprints.

“Even Coldplay – a band so environmentally aware that they feel a modicum of guilt as they constantly jet around the globe – wrote a song called, that’s right, ‘Christmas Lights’.

“And the lyrics weren’t, ‘Turn off your Christmas lights or we’ll all die’, which is what they should have been.

“The best way to enjoy Christmas while still reducing your carbon footprint is to turn off your festive lights when you’re not using them.

“For example, IN NOVEMBER, you fucking morons.”

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