Matt Hancock’s pandemic memoir to be called ‘Blood on my hands… semen on hers’

author avatar by 2 years ago

Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock is writing a book about how his incompetence killed thousands of people while he was busy shagging in his office.

In what promises to be one of the least-read books since ‘Mein Kampf’ was translated into Hebrew, Matt Hancock is writing a book about his own experiences as Health Secretary during the Covid pandemic.

“It will contain loads of fascinating behind-the-scenes tidbits,” said Mr Hancock.

“For example, that time I cried during a television interview? Well, that’s because minutes earlier my wife nearly caught me in a very compromising position with an aide – I pulled up my fly so fast that I caught one of my balls in it.

“I had tears in my eyes for three days after that!

“Of course, on the basis that you have to give the public what they want, the book will contain graphic descriptions of all the office-based sex I had. Think of that CCTV footage as merely a small taster!

“My ex-wife was always sarcastically saying that I should win the bad sex award – well here’s my chance to really stick it to her and actually win it!

“I was planning to include a chapter on why so many people died but – cards on table – I still have no idea why. Ha!

“Anyway, I’m going to put as much effort into this book as I do with all my work – so it will definitely be in the shops before Christmas.

“My mate Brian has offered to publish it – he said it’s the least he can do after I gave him that lucrative test and trace contract.”