Tuesday 9 November 2021 by Mark Molloy

Man rescued from cave after two days looking forward to relaxing at home, in his tiny cramped cellar


Dark Cellar window

A man who was rescued from a cave after being trapped inside for two days when he became injured is looking forward to finally getting home to relax, in a small cramped cellar at his home.

The man, in his 40’s who hasn’t been named for stupidity reasons, was pulled from the cave last night on a stretcher after he became trapped inside the cave doing a hobby that isn’t totally fucking stupid at all and immediately asked to go home to his cellar, or maybe just a cupboard under the stairs, to relax.

Speaking earlier from the hospital he told us, “Yes I just want to go home to relax, in a small dark tunnel I have created in the cellar of my house.

“I bloody love caving I do, and it’s not totally fucking stupid at all, or completely pointless and unnecessarily dangerous for very little enjoyment.

“It’s just great to get right down in those caves underground where you can hardly move a muscle and can’t even see your hand in front of your face. It’s just such a relaxing hobby.

“That’s why I need to get out of this spacious hospital after suffering an injury whilst caving and get home to my family to relax.

“Obviously I won’t be WITH my family, as they will be watching TV upstairs whilst I am chilling in the cellar, or squashed in the cupboard under the stairs.”

Asked if he’d like to thank the hundreds of rescuers who managed to pluck him from safety he told us, “No. They totally ruined my day.”

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