Monday 8 November 2021 by Lindsay Butcher

Woman grows old and dies scrolling Asos dresses


woman tired shopping online

A woman has lost the best years of her life attempting to reach the 3000th page of dresses on Asos.

“It started out easy,” she wrote in a final desperate online chat to customer services.

“At first I clicked on everything that looked like it had been designed by a child of at least 8, but after about nine years of scrolling, I had to get stricter because I could feel my life slipping away from me.”

Having added filters to show clothes designed only by children aged 12 and above, there were still enough dresses to fill three hundred landfill sites to the brim.

She continued, “Even after filtering the list down to dresses not made from flammable see-through material, I still had hundreds of pages to go. It’s not right. I’ve not eaten or even checked Facebook for months now. These are my prime child-bearing years and I’m wasting them trying to see all the dresses on Asos. It’s been so long I’ve forgotten what I was even shopping for.”

Her husband found her with four hundred almost-identical dresses in her basket, emaciated at her laptop. A spokesperson for Asos commented, “It’s true that we have a lot of dresses, but usually we find that only viewing those that actually cover both your tits and your arse limits the range to a manageable size for most customers. There’s about four, I think.”

He added, “We regret that our site wasted so many years of this woman’s life, but frankly, most of the stuff in her basket had sold out within minutes of it being in there, so she would never have received any of it.

“Now, can I interest you in some studded arse-chaps?”

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