Thursday 4 November 2021 by Pete Redfern

Priti Patel begins process of deporting alien seen on John Lewis advert


John Lewis Christmas Advert Priti Patel

The Home Secretary is fuming this morning after learning of an immigrant who has arrived in the country by spaceship.

According to Whitehall insiders, Priti Patel’s morning began with her usual routine of checking that the morning papers were towing the Tory line, having a sip of virgin’s blood and then having a quick jig around a pentagram with a cursed goat, but things took a turn for the worse when she saw the new John Lewis advert.

“I’ve not seen her this angry since that guy raised tens of thousands of pounds for the RNLI earlier this year,” one civil servant told us.

“She screeched ‘Noooooooo!’ and then threw her laptop on the floor in a rage, before pacing the length of the room several times, which admittedly took a while as she’s so short.”

He went on, “Eventually she calmed down long enough to tell us to hunt down this economic migrant that dared to eschew a dinghy in favour of a spaceship to enter our land illegally, and to deport it as soon as possible.

“She then issued instructions for Border Force officers to immediately begin patrolling similar areas of forestry and woodland – on hoverboards and with machine guns, naturally – in case any other aliens try to sneak in by similar means.”

He added, “We’re not surprised at her reaction, to be honest – we once showed her the film ‘ET’ and at the end, she yelled ‘Good riddance you bloody immigrant’ whilst setting off a party popper.”

The alien was not available for comment, as after discovering it had landed in England in 2021 it quickly repaired its damaged spaceship and left as soon as possible.

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