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As a result of recent government action, professional lobbyist Owen Paterson has declared that he regretfully had no choice but to follow the market and raise his customary fees, but did say he expected to have increased opportunities to sell influence.
Talking to the press while pissing on any constituent’s letter that didn’t have a least a pony in it, Mr Paterson said that he wished he could keep abusing his position for the usual £100,000 but that his effective immunity now meant he had to find ways to restrain the increased demand.
He explained, “Now that it’s well known in the business community that I can basically write any laws you pay me to and not even have to take a 30-day paid suspension, my phone has been ringing off the hook.
“The real phone, not the one we give to those sad peasants in North Shropshire who think they can talk to me for free just because they voted for me.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, a fracking company wants to dump chemicals in Chelmarsh reservoir and Uncle Owen wants another house in France. Busy times.”
The furore of using parliamentary majority to circumvent rules and standards has seen the government double down on its innovative position that the Tory MPs should be allowed to graft, steal, embezzle and sexually harass with complete impunity.
Downing Street insiders claim that Boris Johnson is even considering a Buy One Get One Free deal on MPs and was filming an ad where he put on a straight jacket and gleefully shouted that he was slashing the cost of bribes as he’d “gone bonkers for bungs.”
