Thursday 4 November 2021 by Chris Ballard

John Lewis alien takes Covid back to home planet after single day in UK


John Lewis alien kiss

The alien from the latest John Lewis advert barely made it 24 hours in Britain before catching the coronavirus which is being allowed to run rampant across the country.

14-year-old Nathan was excited. It was nearly Christmas and, although he no longer believed in Santa, he knew he’d be getting shitloads of presents.

In a few years, he would come to think of himself as reassuringly middle class.

His mum took him shopping to Westfield in London so he could enjoy the Christmassy atmosphere and help pick out some gifts for the rest of his family.

All the stores were incredibly busy. Not many people were wearing masks anymore – mum said that they were no longer required as it was a personal choice like that scruffy blond man on the telly said.

As a treat, they went to McDonald’s for lunch. The guy who handed Nathan his milkshake was a 25-year-old anti-vaxxer called Simon. They wished each other a merry Christmas.

Nathan caught the bus home. His family was wealthy enough to shop in John Lewis but his mother thought it would be ‘character-building’ for him to experience public transport.

Literally no one on the bus was wearing a mask.

Looking out of the window, Nathan saw some strange lights in the sky. It looked like something had crashed in the woods behind his house!

When Nathan investigated he found a real live alien called Skye! He befriended her by teaching her all about Christmas.

They shared food and he gave her a Christmas decoration.

He also gave her Covid, a virus Skye’s alien immune system had no idea how to deal with.

The following day, Nathan went back to check on Skye only to find her desperately crawling into her spaceship while coughing heavily and struggling for breath.

As Nathan wept as his sick friend left to infect her entire planet with a deadly new virus, a saccharine piano-led version of ‘Together in Electric Dreams’ floated through the woods from an open window.

Happy Christmas Britain.

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