The government has explained that former minister Owen Paterson was not to be sanctioned as he only acted improperly on behalf of the companies who paid him and that the investigation into him was flawed as it didn’t take into account that he really likes money.
Downing Street spokesperson, Simone Williams, explained to the press that Mr Paterson was clearly the victim of a deliberate campaign by a watchdog hellbent on finding evidence of sleaze simply because that’s the reason it was created.
“We have to put an end to these vicious witch hunts that don’t target Labour MPs. Owen made an honest mistake, or more specifically two honest mistakes, to take money from firms and then lobbying for them despite being an MP.
“Of course, MPs from parties without trees in their logos should follow the rules. And you can guarantee that if we one day find a Labour MP that exchanges political favours for cash, we will absolutely crucify them. But as it stands, we can not allow a system to go on that only seems to find guilt in members of our party.
“That’s why the Prime Minister has commissioned a study into setting a new, fairer system to judge MPs. One that asks relevant questions about how many horses you own and doesn’t rake some chaps over the coals just because they don’t have receipts for every 100K that shows up in their account.”
Ms Williams said that Downing Street considered the matter closed and was keen to support Mr Paterson.
“Boris Johnson knows that Owen is a man possessed of the same honesty and dignity as himself. Which is why he has been using his wife’s suicide in an attempt to get off the hook.
“We’re such a classy lot.”