Wednesday 3 November 2021 by Chris Ballard

Lord Summerisle to reduce CO2 emissions by reducing wicker man sacrifices


Wicker man won't be burned

The leader of a remote Hebridean island has promised that his community will reduce their carbon footprint by no longer using a wicker man to burn sacrificial subjects.

Lord Summerisle has made a rare trip to the Scottish mainland to take part in COP26 discussions.

“It’s vitally important that, like most other Scottish islands, we continue to ensure bountiful harvests by sacrificing humans to the gods,” he said.

“But we accept that times change, and the method of sacrifice is not nearly as important as finding the right sort of subject.

“I, therefore, pledge to do my bit for climate change and stop burning people in large wicker men.

“From this moment on, we will only lure adult virgins to the island in order to slit their throats or dismember them. No polluting smoke at all!

“I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled at COP26 for a suitable victim but it’s incredibly tricky to find an appropriate sacrifice among all these philandering politicians.

“I imagine Boris, for example, would have his wicked way with the landlord’s daughter before the propellers on his sea plane had stopped spinning.

“It’s such a shame because, apart from not being a virgin, he meets all the other criteria:

“He has ‘the power of a king’ by virtue of being Prime Minister.

“He is a fool.

“I’m sure he’d come of his own free will when he learned about all the naked dancing girls.

“Such a pity we can’t immolate him – I’m sure he’d go up beautifully.”

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