Wednesday 3 November 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Britain cuts down on hot air emissions by 78% after Boris stops talking


Boris Johnson shuts up for a bit

Boris Johnson stopped flapping his gums for a few seconds and immediately made a huge impact in the fight against climate change.

The so-called “Prime Minister” was on the podium at COP26, struggling to make an analogy for climate change using the film Dirty Dancing as a template.

“Nobody puts climate change in the corner, least of all me,” began the elderly honey monster.

“…and …and if you think of… er… Patrick Swayze’s character as climate change… and …and we’re the teenage girl that he… er… you know… then… then I think…”

At this point, the Prime Minister ground to a shuddering halt, and his mouth became closed.

“HOLY SHIT!” declared climate scientist, Hayley Rice.

“Look at this data! Our hot air emissions just dropped by 78%!”

“My God… this is DYNAMITE! If Boris can just keep his mouth shut, we could actually win the war on climate change. He’s clearly the biggest contributor to excess hot air in the country!

“I mean we all suspected as much but still… this is quantifiable proof!”

Fellow scientist, Beth King, said, “TWO female scientists. Take THAT, patriarchy.”

“Anyway… Professor Rice, you’re saying that the future of mankind is almost wholly dependent on Boris Johnson keeping his mouth shut for extended periods of time?

“My God… he’ll never manage that. We’re doomed.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – see the full list here!

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