Hollywood producers have announced Jared Leto is to bring his signature brand of movie-ruining asshattery to the forthcoming Morbius movie.
Morbius, the living Vampire, is a Spiderman anti-hero like Venom – and the inexplicably massive success of the recent Tom Hardy-led movie led to studio bosses searching for another actor who audiences wouldn’t be able to understand a word they are saying.
“What we needed was someone to incoherently mumble their way through the film, leaving audiences none the wiser what the titular character’s motivations were, or whether he’s just talking about the weather,” said Producer Simon Williams.
“And then we saw Jared in speaking like Baron Greenback with Laryngitis all the way through Blade Runner 2049 and we knew we’d got our man.
“He alienated all his co-stars by getting into character living in a yurt carved from his own congealed blood and refusing to answer to anything but ‘Prince of Fear’ for six months, even after we’d finished shooting and everyone else had gone home.
“Female fans seem to love this, but that’s because they don’t have to put up with him saying ‘“Ughuh dmnuh yuh, buh ruddah mnugh. Whuvuh suh thuh zuh furruh snuhduhluh’ when you ask him what he wants for dinner.”
The movie is to have a soundtrack by Hans Zimmer, so audiences can look forward to a loud PAAAAARP noise every time it looks like a character is going to say something understandable.